I’m sitting at my psychiatrist’s office right now, waiting for her to come in and give me a little bit of hope. I’ve been having a lot of anxiety and restlessness the past few weeks. Since I can’t get into my therapist until early June, I’m hoping that the things she prescribes will help at least a little.
I have a 5-point plan for the next month. I will switch Abilify to bedtime, increase the Celexa to 40mg, take Gabapentin three times a day (for the anxiety), increase Vyvanse to 30mg and come back in a month.
I like that my doctor writes my plan down so I can take it with me. It’s sometimes a lot to remember, and when I have my 5-year-old along, things don’t always register.
I feel like I have a good team this time. My psychiatrist and therapist are both in the same practice, and genuinely seem to care about my mental health and about me getting better. Which makes me feel better.
We’ll see how this helps, along with the @Headspace app for a few minutes a day, and a 30 minute walk.
I went back to therapy recently, and in the first session, I told her that I want to stop using my phone as a coping mechanism for anxiety. We didn’t work out what I would do instead – that will come later – but I’ve been doing some research on my own since then.
I reach for my phone often. Like, all the time. I carry it with me in my pocket or in my bra (yes, I know that’s bad) when I don’t have pockets. A few weeks ago, I left my phone in the car while Hannah and I went into Walmart before school. It was an accident but I felt panicky and sweaty and nervous. I didn’t like not having my phone. I told Hannah my excuse – I needed to know what time it was so I could get her to school on time – but really, it felt like I was losing my mind.
I feel like maybe I am getting a little better sometimes, like when I’m at the park with the kids (it’s too sunny out to see the screen anyway) or watching a movie with my Significant Other (aka B). But I find that I am thinking about my phone during those times. It’s not like I’m getting a ton of messages or there’s so much to do on there. I don’t even have the Facebook app or Instagram app anymore. It’s just such a habit now that I need to have my phone, even if there’s nothing to do. It’s the first thing I reach for when I open my eyes at night, no matter what time. And I get annoyed with myself when my eyes are too blurry to see the screen.
There are some positives. It’s the only camera I have right now to take photos of my kids. I read a lot on my phone – I have hundreds of free and purchased Kindle books. I also keep track of my assignments on my phone.
My homework from that first session was to write down the times of day when I’m feeling anxious and restless, and try to figure out why – to just stop and feel the feelings. She said it won’t feel good, and it will be hard, but it’s a good first step.