Anxiety and Getting Out of the House

**This post does not contain tips because I don’t have any, but I need some.**

I have anxiety. Generalized and social. And probably every other sort of anxiety there is. It’s a part of me and has been since I can remember (kindergarten, ugh). I finally started getting help for it three years ago, and haven’t found that anything really helps. Not meds, not therapy, not meditation.

Tonight, there is a local photography club meeting. I signed up (and paid) back in August at the fair, but I have yet to attend a meeting because ANXIETY. I’m anxious about being around strangers. I’m anxious that my photography sucks compared to everyone else. I’m anxious that I have to bring my oldest child and that I will be judged for that. I’m anxious something will happen to the car on the way to or from the meeting (I’m anxious about the car in general).

I’ve been more anxious than usual this week. I don’t know what it is. Maybe the ridiculous summer temps? Threats of storms that never happen? School and homework getting overwhelming already? I don’t know.

I haven’t been to see my therapist in a long time because something always comes up. After next week, though, I am scheduled weekly until the end of October. I am also not on meds at the moment because I haven’t found something that works yet.

**UPDATE** I went to the meeting and I was fine. I knew I would be, but anxiety tells me something different. The next meeting is October 1, so I am planning on going to that. I probably should have posted this on my photography blog but I kind of want to leave that for pretty pictures.

Why is Writing So Hard?

I used to write all the time. If I wasn’t reading some fiction book, I was writing my own stories in notebooks, or journaling about my day. I was always writing. It came easy to me. But for the past two years, I haven’t been able to write a single word of fiction. I do journal – but it’s usually just a few sentences about how I don’t know what to right and every day is the same stuff all over again.

After my youngest child was born in January of 2014, I couldn’t read. I just didn’t have the mental capacity to read a book. That terrible stretch ended after about three years, which made me so happy, I went and bought the Kindle edition of the Harry Potter series. During that time, I didn’t do any writing either, but it didn’t bother me at the time. Now? Now it bothers me.

I want to write. I want to have ideas again, and put those ideas down on paper. I sign up for NaNoWriMo every year, and each Camp (April and July), in hopes that inspiration will magically strike on the first day.

I really want to be able to write fiction again, so I did a little research as to why it’s so hard. Even as I type that, I know I sound a little whiny, but I really miss writing and getting lost in my characters’ world.

Focus and Practice

One of the first sites I clicked on mentioned that writing requires focus and practice, among other things. Well, these are two things that I do not have right now. I was diagnosed with ADHD-Combination type last year, and it made so much sense to me as to why I wasn’t able to write like I used to, or to comprehend what I was reading for college assignments. As for practice, I know I need to just sit down and write. But I always feel like I need to wait for an idea before I write. The idea never comes, so I never write. It’s something I need to work on for sure. I found this quote on another site:

” Writing is difficult for numerous reasons. Writers struggle with finances to time to losing friends, but the key to being a good and strong writer is that you never give up. You write, you fail, you write again, you improve. With everything you have to practice. “

Not Knowing What to Say and Being Physically Uncomfortable

On yet another site, it says “You can’t write if you don’t know what you want to say”. It goes on to give suggestions on how to combat this such as researching the idea you do have, and if that doesn’t help, making an outline of your idea which will give you more to work with, and if none of those tips work, then where I am at the moment may be the issue. I know this to be true.

I have been dealing with some physical pain lately, and I’m sure my POS couch isn’t helping things. I currently sit hunched over my laptop, which sits on a coffee table in my living room. I don’t have a desk, nor do I really have room in my house for a desk. It’s something that I think would really help me a lot though, both with writing and school work.

Getting out in public to write is also really uncomfortable for me. Even when I have headphones in, I still feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me (for what? I don’t know. Social anxiety isn’t exactly rational.) Figuring out where to put a desk in my house seems like the best bet.

Stay tuned for Part 2!